So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
