Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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