I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize