why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
