Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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