you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
A+ Viking dick
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
