i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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