It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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