I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i think i have two assholes
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
