Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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