im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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