soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
