in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
