VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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