She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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