Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
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