I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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