You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
