At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
