i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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