Well douche your snatch and let's go!
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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