her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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