I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
