Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
