Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Sorry about my life...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
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