Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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