Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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