just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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