This is not my ceiling
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
