life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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