so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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