paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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