I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
