We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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