I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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