matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
