Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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