I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
