i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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