you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
