Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
