I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
