I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
