Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
