I can text with my tongue
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The beer is more important than you right now.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
