Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
