Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
