i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
