If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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