sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
