On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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