I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
