I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
