i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
