apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
