Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
