My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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