I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
