Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
