I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize