Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
