At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
