Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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